*smile*

&& by the way; i'm wearing the smile you gave me.
no more confusion. at all. just a whole lot of waiting. which i can do. it won't be easy, but it will be done. respect. one of the core values. definiteily comes into play here. i will wait until whenever i need to...which right now is 81 days. and counting. he says the sweetest things all the time. tells me that i have an amazing smile and that im intoxicating. we're going to establish a relationship now so that when 81 days comes around, we have a solid start. thats all for now... :)

*sigh of relief*

Finally, the confusion is so much less. So he has a girlfriend which is relatively new information but that's okay. because there some time between now and when it could be a possibility. I don't hope that they break up unless he wants to because he should be happy. I do know that my feelings are not QUITE alone. which makes me feel better. i know the feeling of having something and kinda wanting something else. it's rough. i guess we'll just sit and wait and see where we're at when we can be. Until then, ha. it'll just be fun like it has been :). Life has been pretty good. had my knee surgery.. it hurts like a bitch. waiting to get my prescription refilled but the pharmacy keeps being closed! argh. anywho. i'm tired. haven't been sleeping much or very well when i have slept. secret nap.

uhh...

I'm a bit baffled now. For the most part we haven't talked all week. I haven't been at lunch due to different excusals and I haven't had math homework. I miss it and now whenever i ask questions, i get one or two word answers instead of the fun ones that i used to get. It's weird. I'm thinking that maybe he found out from someone or just assumes and now he thinks it's weird. I don't know. i hope that i have math homework soon that i will need help on. maybe i can figure something out from that. anyways, i'm going to west point today. which means that i need to pack and whatnot. good times. later.

mmmmm.

eyes really do sparkle and twinkle. I could see it yesterday evening in his eyes. laughing and smiling are probably the things i love most and i'm pretty sure i share that with at least one other person. GOD, 110 days to go and it seems like FOREVER and a day. i remember when we were in the two hundreds & that doesn't seem like so long ago... so i know it'll go by somewhat fast... but i just feel as if these last, 30 or so have been DRAGGING by. i really hope that he never reads this... because it would be extremely embarassing, especially if he doesn't like me like that... ha. oh well. i have to touch up a history paper... more on this later.

:)

I am such a good daughter. I ordered my mommy 18 long stemmed roses of various colors; just because. I miss her. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks because either she has been somewhere on the weekend, or I have been somewhere on the weekend. It's crazy. My mommy is my best friend. Our class did an awesome spirit mission last night. Today is 111th day. There are 111 days to go until graduation and our class is the class of 2011 so we're celebrating! The spirit mission committee went and took down all of the state flags in the wardroom and hung up plain white flags that say "2011" on them. It looks so classy. All of the upperclass at breakfast were really impressed. That's pretty much a guarentee of wardroom carry-on at lunch :). Then tonight there is "111th night" which is where our class meets with a bunch of members of the class of 1961, our 50 year sponsor class, and also with a lot of important people from command. I'll be on duty but it should be fun. so my endeavors may be worth it... at lunch the other day i got a fortune cookie that said "your current plans will succeed" good to know if you ask me. I hope it's right! Either way, only 111 more days! how great is that!? anywho... colors in a lil bit... buh bye :)

ummmm...

ummm, math sucks. but being bad at it doesn't. I went to Navy this weekend with pistol. good times were had by all.. i shot alright but more than that, it was hysterical in the vans. On the way back, Alex was driving and he reallllly had to pee. we had quite the adventure with that one which ended in him pulling off the highway at an exit instead of waiting 5 more miles for the rest stop, finding a mcdonalds across the street, waiting at a red light for it to turn, beginning to pee in a cup and then realizing that the light turned green. He made it to the McDonalds but that was definitely a good time. Then, we were on 95 in Connecticut and we were just driving along and the back windsheild just BLEW OUT. it shattered. everywhere. spontaneously. it was pretty sweet. So we all piled into the big van except hayla and mike and drove back that way. Nick had a quick scare but that was all better by the time we got home. Now i'm just laughing to myself over recent events. still a bit baffled, becoming a little clearer day by day i think. 114... anywhos. i'm out to study clocks, shower and get some sleep. whispering more later.

eh?

okay. so i don't know how to describe how i'm feeling. It's a mix of confusion and anticipations and happiness and nervousness... I don't know. you see; i like this guy.. and i don't know if he likes me.. but it seems like he does... but i can't do anything about it right now ANYWAY. so it's all a big confusing scheme... i really hope that i'm not taking all of this the wrong way and that he really does like me.. ahhhh... i'm trying to stop thinking about it but i just can't... 119. the whispers of my sanity are becoming quieter and quieter.

ahhhh.

i'm convinced that i can't win. I just can't. I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months this weekend while on a getaway in maine for the long weekend off from school. I'm just too busy. We don't talk hardly ever and we don't see each other like, ever. When we do talk, we fight because he can't give me his trust even though i've never done anything to warrant him not trusting me. He's a bit insecure and now even more so but he'll get over it and find someone new. He thinks he's going to be alone forever because we broke up but i guess he needs to go through the feeling sorry for himself stage. Then my dad took away my favorite birthday present by telling me that he is now NOT divorcing my step mother. She's got some screws loose and is jealous of my me and my brother and thinks that if my dad doesn't give her 100% of his attention, he doesn't love her. She's nuts. He says she's going to change and that if she doesn't then it won't work and they will get divorced, but that's what he said last time. next time, i hope he doesn't tell me that they are going to get divorced until they have signed the papers and it's through. So that pretty much sucks. I will never forgive her and I will never like her, but that's besides the point. Apparently he does. It's like a murderer pleading insanity and getting away with the crime. She treats him and everyone that he loves like shit and then he forgives her because he says that she has a screw loose. Great. I'd want to be married to someone with a screw loose, wouldn't you? ahhhh. whatever. i'm done. i'm done caring. It was his birthday on sunday and i bought a bunch of balloons and blew them up and hung them around the house and i made dinner and a really amazing cake and did all this stuff for him to show him that i love him and all, and hopefully he won't do what he did last time which is push us away to make her happy... My ex boyfriend is going back to school which is really good for him. He wasn't doing so well for a while so i'm really happy for him that he is going to go to college and get himself on the right track. We've been good friends since we broke up last year, we went out for 2 years and 7 months, so you can't really break that kind of a bond. Sometimes i miss him but especially now that i'll be here at the academy, and he will be at school in upstate new york, friends is really the only option. I'll always love him though. I broke up with him, because of multiple reasons but mainly because i was coming here and i knew that it wouldn't work... It's good that we're still such good friends though. I don't think that i could have him not be my friend. He's a great person to talk to. Hopefully stephen and i will be that way at some point. Able to talk to each other again that is. I think he needs a new girlfriend though because he will treat someone like a princess, i just didn't like the way he did that for me. He will make some gal really happy one day. And hey, if it's meant to be it will be. For now, I will wait in confusion for the person that i'm hoping will come through one day. and until then, I'll enjoy the single life of flirtation and fun.

argh.

well, i am utterly confused. So many thoughts running through my mind... don't know what to think. So busy lately. I left my room at 0745, returned briefly for lunch to drop off my bag, and didn't come back again until 2145. we had a little party for amanda, she's the guardgirl from windjammers and i'm going to miss her so much... her knees are screwed up so she can't be commissioned so she's leaving. it's sad. We had yummy pizza though. and talked and danced and took pictures. Windjammers is such a fun group of people. I cannot wait for next season. we're going to Montreal, Canada next season and it's going to be a BLAST. I really think i'm starting to actually like it here. and i know that next year is going to be sooo much better and a lot of fun too. Going snowmobiling this weekend in Maine :) can't wait. going with daddy and my brother so it'll be just the three of us, just like old times and i can't wait for that either. Alright well, pre-labs to write and homework to do. woo.

meah.

And second semester begins... 126 days to go until i'm a third class. woo. I turned 19 the other day, nobody really realized it here at school but i got the best present ever at home... Dad is finally divorcing my step mother! yay! Now you may think that's a terrible thing to say but really, you don't know her. That's all i have to say on that topic. I'm finally getting surgery on my knee to make it all better after swab summer last summer. February 14th, for all you lovers out there, valentine's day... for me... surgery day. woo. A good friend from jammers is leaving the academy on friday so that's really sad... we're having a party on friday though so we'll get a chance to talk then. I told her a secret that i can't even write here for fear someone might see it... but it feels good to tell someone else. I don't know quite how it'll go but who knows, maybe i'll be pleasently surprised. anywho- late rack in the morning then typing up an essay last minute on Dirty Dancing, only the best movie ever. gnight all and thanks for listening to the whispers of my sanity that are still around.